From the Wilderness I Return!

Hey folks.

Sorry for the lengthy break ... amongst travelling a lot recently (I went to say hi to my bank accounts in the Caymans), Wifey#1 has been cracking down on my internet time.

The good news is that the real website, www.cultastic.com, is but a couple of weeks away and will launch with all the colour and pageantry of the greatest website on earth. As a special thanks to all the long-suffering folks who've been with Cultastic from day one, when the new page launches you will all be given advanced standing on the cult hierarchy registration. This will make sense when you see it. You may even get a free T-shirt or bumper sticker.

Peace be with you!

CENSUS - A Chance For Us To Shine

Hi all,

many of you will have seen Ernie Dingo's TV commercial regarding the upcoming Australian census.

Naturally, we should apply a healthy dose of immature humour in order to spoil this otherwise serious event. As such I encourage - nay, command - all followers of Cultastic to mark "Cultastican" as your religion.

In similiar news, I'm just about set to make my submission to the Attorney-General's Dept for us to be officially recognised. You will be informed of any progress.

Just out of spontaneity, I declare this "Pinch a Stranger's Bottom Day". Go ahead, you only get to do it once a year.

Ahoy Matey

Taking inspiration from this article from Reuters, which describes how the Catholic church in Croatia has been given a refurbished WWII German ship for the purpose of a floating church, I thought: Why not.

So, I have my eyes set on a lovely little boat I've seen for sale. In the eyes of man, the US$600 million might seem a little exy, but in the eyes of Cultastic, it is as the dirty small change from your car ashtray.

Note that I say "your" car ashtray. I'm calling a special offering - I sense that this baby is to be ours. So dig deep, cos this puppy ain't gonna buy itself.

Some of you may be squirming at being asked to pay for this ... I'd just remind you that you have to give to get. In this case, you have to give me $600M, and you have to get moving, as I've already signed the contracts and need to come up with the cash pronto.

Once this is all squared away, I'm going to set cannons on the SS Cultastic and go kick butt on the high seas. Maybe go sink some Japanese Whaling boats as part of my scientific research.

If we don't come up with the money, I'm sending you all on a P&O cruise. I think it's safer if you just come up with the money.

Healing Crystals - Do Rocks Really Get Sick Anyway?

I was just browsing for a suitable Cult Merchandising of the Week Award, and it dawned on me how dumb crystals really are.

For those who love a good rose-quartz and azurite answer to your myriad of psycho-semantic health concerns, I apologise in advance. You are not going to like what I have to say.

Crystals are crap.

Let's be honest. Some time long ago a volcano went ballistic and spewed forth hot minerals, some of which became crystals. I'm not opposed to the volcano, as I think pumice is way cool. Floating rocks, awesome. My concern is that somehow people believe that these rocks have the ability to influence their well-being.

I've had someone explain to me that it's the vibrations of the crystal that make it work. Fantastic - how does the vibration help exactly? Sometimes I mysteriously feel my mobile phone vibrate in jeans pocket, only to discover it's not even there (I call it phantomobile). In any case, my upper leg feels much the same as before said vibration. For that matter, the whole world is probably vibrating, aren't we all going to get better at the same time? And why would Amethyst make me more peaceful, while a chuck of Malachite helps me close the big business deal?

What does blue metal do? I hope it's something good, cos there's plenty of it. I don't see much road-side gravel strung around the neck of fire-twirlers and tribal drummers. As such I went into my local New Age shop and asked for a piece of gravel, they looked at me as though "I" was the strange one and suggested I try some Iron Pyrate instead.

I'm sorry but I feel a Doctrinal Edict coming on ... yep, here it is: "Crystals are crap, unless used for decorative or industrial purposes" (Doctrinal Edict #15).

Sorry again to those of you who get into the whole crystals thing. Feel free to vent your opinions in the comments section below, alternatively suck a piece of agate geodes to soothe your nerves.

It's an Apostolic Appointment Bonanza!

Thank you to all who have already volunteered to represent their region, as per the previous post. In response I'm making the first ever mass Apostolic Appointment.

The constitution I'm drawing up (in crayon) for the Attorney General's Dept nominates the following people as Cultastic Regional Chapter Superintendents. In order of their response, Cultastican and his/her region:

Christo - Canberra Chapter

Dr Collins - Sydney City Chapter

Lionfish - Western Australia & Island territories Chapter

Wisen Crac - Newcastle Chapter

Lori - Sutherland Shire Chapter

Dale - Budgewoi Chapter

So let it be written, so let it be done!

How easy was that? Almost as easy as starting a local Christian Outreach Centre and becoming the minister. And we don't even need to hire a school hall.

Thanks to each of you - you're all Cultasticans of the first order.

However I still need six more people to nominate themselves (the government require 12 locations). Please, join with these six fine sentient beings, nominate yourself and we can finally take this thing public.

Cultastic -Vs- the Powers That Be

Finally, the Attorney-General, Philip Ruddock MP, has got back to me on the important issue of Cultastic being officially recognised as a religious denomination by the government. If this all works out, I'll be able to marry you, and you can put "Religion: Cultastican" on the hospital admission form when you finally get that thing removed.

I was hoping that Phil would write to me in person, but it looks like he's got one of his lackeys (Kim Duggan, Assistant Secretary) to do it for him. If I'd have written to Amanda Vandstone, I'm sure she would've penned her own thoughts.

Anyway, the good news is that all I need to do for recognition is to satisfy Section 26 of the Marriage Act, 1961. Herein lies the issue. I need to demonstrate a few things:

(1) that we've been going three years with prospects of continuing existence.
(2) there are at least 12 congregations in different locations around Australia
(3) a central authority, with a system of management and constitution

No problem. I've been yacking on about my own cult for ages, well in excess of three years. As far as I'm concerned, it's been going since April 1st, 2002. I can even whip up some meeting minutes to confirm this ... sort of.

Parts two and three require some help. I'd like to appoint some regional Cultasticans to satisfy our geographical requirements. If you'd like to nominate yourself, please comment and mention the region you'd like to represent. I haven't made an apostolic appointment in several weeks, I'm looking forward to it.

Obviously, you have a wonderful central authority in ME. All the apostolic appointees will be given a title and appear in the system of management. I'll have a go at whipping up a constitution.

So, my fellow Cultasticans, please search deep within yourself (not to deep) and tell me if I can put you down for your region.

Canberra, here we come!

Astrology & the Science of High School Romance

Lately I've observed the number of young women who take Astrology a little to seriously. Almost always, the discussion I overhear goes something like this:

Girl #1 - "...he's so cute, and single. Plus I've never met anyone so well organised."

Girl #2 - "I know - plus he's a Scorpio, perfect for you! What are the chances of that!?"

I'd say one in twelve.

However, it's dawned on me that an interest in Astrology is just a normal evolutionary step for these young women. I have a hunch that they were the same people who, back in high school, would judge a potential suitor by calculating their percentage on the:

"Person A" LOVES "Person B" formula.

For the life of me I can't remember how those girls worked this all out. It was something to do with counting the letters L-O-V-E-S in the names ... but I'm not sure how they do it.

If any of you can remember how it's calculated, would you mind getting the percentage for: Rollsy LOVES Wifey#1?

I'm sure we'll work out OK, but it'd be nice to know for sure. I'm just like that (it's a Libran thing).

James Blunt's Magical Healing Powers

Here I was thinking that James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" was set to replace Kenny G's "Songbird" as the elevator tune that Beelzebub cranks up for an unlucky soul's decent to hell.

I couldn't have been more mistaken. It seems that in the UK a young girl was seduced out of her deathly coma by none other than the tune in question. The Herald report clearly credits Blunt as a modern miracle worker; who are we to argue.

That being the case, I have no option but to acknowledge Blunt for who he really is and welcome him into our fold. "Songbird" has never helped anyone and as such, remains evil (Doctrinal Edict #14).

Any other songs that I should condemn?

The Beautiful Game ... just got beautifularer

Aust 3 - Japan 1

Despite an evil miscarriage of power from an Egyptian tyrant, much like the Old Testament days of yore, the Socceroos have scored a mighty victory to set our people free. Finally, with a World Cup finals victory under our belt, we can set our sites on our upcoming game ... against Brazil. Crap.

Highlights of the game had to be the two quick goals from super-sub Tim Cahill, which was just the antidote to recover from the nausia of watching referee Essam Abd El Fatah's lack lustre performance, particularly when forgetting his whistle as goalie Mark Schwazer (I see your goalie is not as big as mine) was fouled allowing an early Japanese lead.

In recognition of his performance, I award Tim Cahill "The Leader's Award for Excellence as a Last Minute Blow-In". Special mention to Viduka for a consistent first half under pressure, and Aussie Guus Hiddink for his typical display of emotion (including a brief shadow boxing upppercut in response to the first Aussie goal).

Any thoughts on the game?

Trepan - Cult Merchandising of the Week Award

This week's award is something truly strange. Thanks to Nick W who brought this to my attention.

For the uninitiated, Trepan is the ancient (and now, it seems, modern) process of drilling a hole into the head for both medical and mystical purposes. The good people at wikipedia give you a description here.

There are some people who are the worldwide advocacy group supporting Trepanation for it's incredible ability to help you become increasingly successful in life, after a simple head-drilling procedure. These guys, called ITAG (International Trepanation Advocacy Group), will happily drill into your brain for a trifling US$3600, though if you agree to a post-op interview you can get the discounted rate - US$2400.

There is one catch - you have to get your brain drilled in Mexico, as the gringo Americanos have a problem with trepanation. I can't imagine why.

Pete Halvason, founder of ITAG, wins this weeks Cult Merchandising of the Week award. You might tell from the photo, he has had the job done himself. Yep, that dent is a hole into the brain.
He wins the award for the procedure, but ITAG also have a range in their giftshop which you can pick up as an outpatient. I like the T-Shirt.

Lurkers, announce your presence

Via email I hear from many good, hard working Cultastic folk who rarely comment on the posts. While I enjoy your emails, I really think the time has come to announce yourselves to the rest of the Cultastic family.

I would love it everyone would take a moment to complete the following profile. You can cut and paste this, then just hit the "Comments" link directly beneath today's post. I have taken the liberty of filling out the first one ... hit comments to view it.

Love always, Your Leader, Rollsy.

Name:

I've been a Cultastican for: months

Favorite thing about being in a cult:

Least favorite thing:

Complete this phrase: " ....................... is good, .............................. is better"

If you were to be trapped in the outer limits of the atral realm for a year, who or what would you take with you?

If you had a billion dollars, what would you do with it?

I would like to suggest a Doctrinal Edict:

Those Ukrainians are Craaaazy

This article from the SMH inspires a new edict.

Cultasticans shall not taunt man-eating beasts of the wild (Doctrinal Edict #13) .

I don't want to be held responsible for any law suits. Armani suits are more my style (me and Brian Houston).

Hat's Off to Lance

Some Cultastican's already know Lance Mergard.

Member #14 drew my attention to this article in the Courier Mail: "Peace Maker"

Now I ask you all, if a Baptist slash Pentecostal like Lance can throw himself into helping a blood soaked stranger who has fallen through a plate glass shopfront, how hard is it for you to get out there and spread the word about Cultastic?

Good job Mr Mergard.

I guess we should think about making some sort of contribution to society. Any ideas?

I offer you ... A SIGN!

Hamish & Andy ... We Have Street Cred'

Great news!

It is with a deep sense of pride that I welcome into the fold two new Cultasticans: Hamish & Andy.

You may recall seeing these chaps on their TV show (all to short-lived, thanks to a conspiracy against humour by those bastards at channel 7), or heard them on the Austereo network. For any of you über lefty progressive types who shun commercial media ... you can always download their show on iTunes (and of course, using your iPod, which was assembled by some pregnant, disabled 13 year old girl in a dimly lit Hydrabad sweatshop, is a really good way to do your bit against globalisation and the evils of big business).

The email I received from the boys reads:

"Rollsy, oh divine ultra leader of the uninformed.

We have perused the ways of the Cultasticians and have to say the beliefs of the cult resound very firmly with our own beliefs of wanting to achieve a higher state of nirvana with little, or preferably, no work. We love the cult. We'd be honoured to be recognised by the Cultasticians.

Humbly yours, in this life and hereafter,

Hamish and Andy."

So, won't you all join with me in welcoming the boys aboard the fun-ship to enlightenment.

Harold Klemp: When Accountants Go Bad

As your astro-shepherd, I feel it's my sacred duty to keep up to date with the world of cults. In doing so, I see a lot would-be cult leaders with big beards and a serious look of LSD about them. But then, there's Harold Klemp.

Back in the 1960's, Harold decided to start a cult. I can only admire what he must have went through, as he didn't even have the benefit of free web-hosting and SPAM marketing that these days I take for granted. But what I really like is the way that he has worked out a seriously wacky belief system yet all the while looks so damn conservative. As I suggested in the title, he could be an accountant (or possibly one of those lawyers who advertise for personal injury litigation).

His cult is called Eckankar, and it has some groovy doctrines that you can read about here. One of my favorite teachings from the site suggests ... "a lot of people have the mistaken idea that only they have the honor and privilege of being Souls. But pet lovers know better."

Ordinarily I limit Cult merchandising of the Week Award to products that you can buy. But in tribute to Harold, this week I give him the award ... membership to his cult, which is a steal at only $130 per year, sounds like an investment you can take to the bank. Or to your accountant-cult-leader.

"The 5 Ways" ... Part IV: The Secret Shake

Now that you've had plenty of time to master the first three of "the 5 Ways", you are ready to move to step IV. Incidentally, IV is my favorite Roman Numeral, and is now also yours (Doctrinal Edict #11). Do you think if Viv Richard lived in ancient Rome rather than 1980's West Indies, would he have been called Fiftyfour Richard? Man, I'm dumb.

It has been revealed to me that Cultastican's require a way to greet each other without alerting passers-by. Taking a leaf from some of the most well respected secret societies, I declare the Cultastic Secret Handshake to be the first greeting one believer offers to another (Doctrinal Edict #12).


"The 4th Way" - Do the shake, do the shake, yeah, do the shake.

For new converts, the 36 stages of the impossibly complex secret shake will be hard to master. To begin with, using the first two stages is satisfactory. They are very subtle and look quite natural in every day life, as this candid photo illustrates.

As shown in the first photo, the Cultastican notes that a compatriate approaches, and so he shows backs of both hands in a subtle, unassuming way. The compatriate responds by placing his fingertips over the greeters, which is completes the Stage 1. Moving to Stage 2, the greeter slides both hands upward while making a whistling sound, while the compatriate drops both of his hands down and exhales loudly. This completes Stage 2.

Over time, you will master each of the 36 stages and in doing so, achieve a new level of harmonious oneness with nature. Do not be surprised when leaders in all areas of society begin to greet each other with the shake ... here Israeli politician Benjamin Netanyahu and New York mayor Rudy Giuliani attempt to transition from stage 16 to 17. Fortunately, nobody was hurt in this often dangerous move.

Latest Apostolic Appointment

It is with great pride that I make another Apostolic Appointment.

It has come to my attention that Wisen Crac, an early convert to Cultastic, has been attempting to evangelise the Australian representative of the Raelian Society (see post, April 26th) to come over to our side. Here is an exerpt of his latest email:

Hi Tony,
Thankyou for your keen interest in recruiting me to your great cult. Please note however I am a member of ‘Cultastic’ and firmly believe that we are all descendants of our creator Rollsy. You would be pleased to know Cultasticans hold great respect for Rae. Like Raelians, we are also very loving, open, and provide untold wealth and popularity to all, new friends and a ‘connection to the other side’. Please take some time to look at our site and I am sure you will be enlightened and find ‘The Truth’….

So, hat's off to Wisen Crac. In recognition of your dedication to Multi-Level Marketing evangelism, which is the first of "the 5 Ways" (see post April 3rd), I hearby annoint you "Ruby Direct". With just a couple more years dedication, I'm sure you'll reach the lofty heights of "Diamond Direct". From there it will be just a short step to sub-cult leader status, and total enlightenment.

Please join with me in saluting our fellow Cultastican, Ruby Direct, Wisen Crac.

HOT! Mormon Undies Light Up the Boudoir!

Check 'em out.

Those Latter Day Saints know how to get saucy Utah-style. These snappy little numbers are actually his & hers sacred Mormon underwear, available from any good LDS temple store. They win this week's Cult Merchandising of the Week Award.

If you feel like cruising around to your local LDS temple to pick some up, you will have to quote a bunch of secret Mormon stuff to get in. So, buying a pair of these might be difficult, in case you were thinking of trading up from your Calvins.

As I can't get into a temple without the secret passwords, I can't even get a firm price on these. I would guess somewhere between free and the value of your mortal soul.

I can, however, tell you that they carry special marks that hold significance for Mormons, such as the "square" (from the Freemason symbol) over the left breast, the "compass" (also from the Freemason symbol) over the right breast, and a "gauge" which looks like a button-hole, over the navel and knee.

There are all sorts of spooky explanations for why these symbols appear on the garment, but I think Joseph Smith probably just said to himself "I can't sell just plain undies. I should whack some special marks on them".

You can learn all about "garments" as the LDS describe them here. Yes, someone went to all the effort of putting together a website called Mormon Underwear. What is it with people who spend time and money on meaningless websites? Geeeez ....

Stay tuned over the next day or so, as the "5 Ways" continues ...

The Raelian Society

In the world of aspiring cult leaders, one name is often mentioned with a great deal of respect and admiration.

Rael.

Before becoming a cult leader, Rael was just some French guy trying to scratch out a living as a journo. Then he decided to start his own cult, and it seems to be going nicely for him. Looks like Ray Martin does have a future after all. My nan would sign up for Ray's cult in a flash.

Like a lot of cult leaders before him, Rael has done a fabulous job of including aliens into his story. He's so into it, he wears silver suits with big shoulder pads and a giant lightning bolt down the front. Excellent.

If you want a good old fashioned belly-laugh, check out their website here.

Since posting about the Kabbalah and their US$26 Red String some time ago, I've decided to begin my "Cult Merchandising of the Week Award". This week the award goes to Rael, for his wonderful book:

Say Yes To Human Cloning. (only $10!)

Looks like a great read.

So, the Raelian's have aliens ... but only the Cultastican's have Ninjas.

Wash your mouth out with soap!

I knew this day would come.

Much like Moses returning from the mountain, I have turned my back for a few days and upon my return, it seems my fellow Cultasticans have gone ballistic. It appears there is a difference of opinion as to what is appropriate when posting comments on our site.

Therefore, I make the following declaration:

This site is now rated M. This means you can say "crap", "boobs", or "a-hole".

As in: "Ab Truth thinks that the comments from 3Balls is crap. But in return 3Balls has claimed Ab Truth has man-boobs. Wifey#1 suggests they are both acting like a pair of a-holes."

However, this site is not MA 15+ . Therefore you cannot drop the F-Bomb, make direct reference to genitals or their function, or discuss special grown-up cuddles. If you really feel the need to let fly with some gutter-talk, can I suggest you replace your intended word or phrase with "kiss my Joseph Smith".

I hope that this clears it up for everyone. Remember, before launching into a tirade, first consider: WWRD?

www.ADVENTURE-BIKING.COM

Even the Preso's are catching on!

If you are interested, the Presbyterian Church in east Melbourne has recently expelled a bunch of their folks who had started a little cult inside the congregation.

Now, we all know congregations of all sorts tend to bring out the whackos, but this story was interesting because the whackos in question are filthy rich and powerful business types. The head shabang was a guy named Bruce Teele, who was head of JB Were (a big stock broking firm).

I was always under the assumption that to become rich and powerful you had first start your cult - these guys apparently went the other way. In any case, I'd be very happy if any of you commenters and lurkers out there are filthy rich and powerful, as you could come in very useful during this start up phase of Cultastic.

So please, if you are the CEO of a bank or mining company, or maybe shooting up the ranks in politics, let me know and we'll get you on board.

Kabbalah is so "now"

Everyone knows Madonna has totally put Kabbalah on the map.

It seems they have leveraged off their fame with some great merchandising. The Catholics have all the gory trinkets, the Buddhists have the beads, Hillsong has Pente-Rock CD's, and the Hare Krishna's have the smiley face stickers. But Kabbalah tops them all with some brilliant marketing.

Red String. It only costs US$26. What a steal!

Yup, this is from the Kabbalah online store:

The Red String protects us from the influences of the Evil Eye. Evil Eye is a very powerful negative force. It refers to the unfriendly stare and unkind glances we sometimes get from people around us. According to Kabbalah, the critical need to confront the problem of negative influences cannot be underestimated. Kabbalah teaches us that we can remove intrusive negative influences by using tools such as the Red String!

You can't begin to understand how disappointed I am that I didn't think of it. Got any ideas for something similiar?

"The 5 Ways" ... Part III: Sprechen Sie Cult?

Now that you've mastered the first two steps toward essential harmony and Cultastic greatness, you should be ready to talk the walk.

Many cults have their own lingo. Ours should be world class, and I suggest you embrace it. With a little persistence and faith the size of a giant, 30 kg mustard seed, you may soon find that english soon fades to become your second language.


"The 3rd Way": For every word, there is a better word in Cultastican.


I request all of you to submit some words or phrases that we can adopt as our own. Please hit the "comment" link below to leave your suggestion.

By the way, some other cults already have dibs on some phrases, so avoid these:

• awesome
• vego / vegan
• astral
• mega-overcomer
• opus dei
• waco
• burqa
• ohm
• soy / lentil
• the force

Other than those few, go crazy my followers!

"The 5 Ways" ... Part II: Kickin' Ass for Cultastic

After honing your skills as a network-marketing-evangelist in "The 1st Way" (see previous post), you can continue along the Cultastic growth continuum toward wholeness by developing your butt-whipping talents in the name of your new cult.

As the typical pinko whoosy agnostic progressive types will attest, religion is responsible for every war or nasty moment of violence throughout history. I think they're over-reacting, but I also see the need for some muscle in our ranks - particularly when government agents come to snoop around my house. As such, I encourage you all to engage in the second of "The 5 Ways":

"The 2nd Way" - To engage in hand-to-hand combat in defence of Cultastic is both honorable and entertaining for passers-by.

So, if you hear of anyone making negative comments about Cultastic, thump 'em (doctrinal edict #8). Then nurse them back to recovery, as we are a compassionate people (doctrinal edict #9).

In order to offer the rest of you a fine example of this idea, I hereby make my first apostolic appointment. I declare that hence forth, The Rev shall be known as Protector of the Leader. I encourage you to take a look at his website ... it's great to have a professional cage-fighter with a big tat' across his mid-section belonging to our family.

Let the Rev be an inspiration to you all. Also, don't get him cranky.

"The 5 Ways" ... Part I: Multi-Level Marketing

This is the first of a series of posts that will outline "The 5 Ways".

"The 5 Ways" describe the five alternate paths to leadership authority and enlightenment in Cultastic. Each of the Ways can achieve progress, but only when a Cultastican achieves each of those ways in balance, will they know true Sectisfaction and Cultentment. Sorry bout that.

As I mentioned in the first ever post under the heading "Revelation!", I sensed early that Cultastic would achieve greatness using the wonders of Multi-Level Marketing. This has now manifested in the first of "The 5 Ways".

"The 1st Way" - through inviting a friend, who invites one of their friends, who invites one of their friends, you will grow Cultastic.

So, invite a friend to join and ask them to do the same. (They can join by hitting the "Comment" link below, and choosing a new name by which they will be known). Make sure they mention you in their post - you deserve the public acknowledgement.

Also, I need to come up with four other "Ways" ... your suggestions please ...